Here we go...

So I'm just gonna spew right now and not worry the artistic vision that I usually use as my vantage point when I write (we'll see, its pretty much impossible to do that)

So last night I was on the phone with Megan Belchamber and I spewed some thoughts that were really accurate. All the conflict I have about being in this relationship and being held down come from my past and me being unable to commit to loving someone. When I sit here and try to write, it sounds less powerful then when I verbally profess it. Whatever. Essentially, I make being in a relationship and loving someone a chore. I make it seem like I'm obligated. A lot of time I just think about how I'm going to fuck it up and end it. It's really kind of fucked up. This is so much more than a teenager complaining about their relationship, this is me making myself emotionally available to someone and making them worth tying myself down. This is me making a compromise for another. This is me making myself vulnerable and allowing this person to control my energy field. Truly letting someone in. I remember just laying with him and thinking how I have to tell him about my past. That's a big step for me; i dont know if my issue was letting him that much more or just me being afraid of awakening it and making it real for someone else. I know that i should be happy to be with someone and I am, but it still affects me to my core. And when I'm in a close relationship with someone, when i'm fucked up, im being fucked within the confines of the relationship and fucking with them too. I feel like i'm giving this too much energy but im going to keep going cause seeing these words feel fucking good. I think that I'm having this much concern and strife is evidence that there is somehting i need to work through.

I think one of the major issues is me letting someone effect me; letting someone making my emotions off kilter. Also it is so against my nature to let anyone affect how I live my life and effect what I want to do. Of course, whenever i can't have something i want it so much more, hence wanting to hook up with guys when I'm monogomous. Also, i care about him enough where I dont want to hurt him so that looms over my head of me being a stoic asshole and leading him further in love while i'm sitting in some emotional penjelum depending how im feeling that day. I just feel stupid and I dont like it. I could keep writing but i dont want to. I need to get over myself. Oh shit, that means figuring this shit out and it sure as hell isnt that easy. Why i can't I just be happy to be in a relationship with an amazing partner like a normal person? What the hell is wrong with me? Probablt not that much in the grand scale of things, but in the scale of my mind, its pretty grave.

The reason I made this personal blog...

So I'm starting this diary, because I just realized that I have a lot more emotional disorganization than I thought I did. It's bittersweet due to the fact its rooted from the fact I have a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, its not cause if the boyfriend himself, its cause how emotionally crippled I am. That term might be slightly dramatic, but its in the same ballpark. Hopefully I'll keep this blog as use it as a diary in the future, but right now I'm using it to sort out my thoughts.